# Ah
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow Grow, grow, grow, grow... #
This programme contains some strong language.
How can they have given me YOU as an assistant?
It makes no sense.
I don't look at you and think
"design creative free-thinker".
I think...Ricky Hatton's
slightly scuzzier brother.
Who's this gonna be again? Oprah Winfrey?
No, she's bigger much than that.
Moira Stuart?
Michelle Obama, AKA Goddess.
The second Jackie O and the First Lady of Fashion.
You could stick her in a Kwik Save bag, and she'd still ooze panache.
This display is going to rock.
Speak.
Parlez-vous?!
When did you first realise you was...
what's the word...?
Gay? Queer? Bumbaclarty?
Camp as Bruno.
'Hmm.
'Let me think.
'It was a good question.
'What made the boy next door as butch as a dribbling Wayne Rooney
'and me as camp as a row of mauve tents?
'Was it, perchance, my mother's insistence
'on re-enacting hit musicals in our through-lounge?'
# A boy like that who'd kill your brother
# Forget that boy and find another
# One of your own kind Stick to your own kind... #
SOBBING
MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham
'Or was it because of her choice of pram
'when she brought me back from the maternity hospital?'
GIGGLING
'Or was it, perchance, related to the size of my hair?'
I think he's gonna play left back for Reading Town.
# There's no business like show business
# Like no business I know... #
Or maybe not.
'What I do know, however, is that I first understood what camp meant -
'and, like, totally got it -
'the summer I turned 14.'
Are you smoking, Simon Doonan?
It's an affectation, Mother. Get over it.
'The annual highlight of my youth was our summer vacation.'
Eugh, either she's got a Brillo Pad wedged between her legs
or them's her pubes.
Oh...
It's a dead spider. Oh.
'Usually, we had ten days
'at some recycled Second World War airplane hangars in Minehead,
'otherwise known as Butlins.
'But this particular year, we were in for something different.'
Mes enfants? Mis childrenos?
Your dad's got an announcement to make.
Well...you see... It's really exciting.
You're gonna be over the moon. It's just...
Spit it out! You put the "pro" into "prevaricating".
That's not how you spell it. Can I speak, please?
What is it, Dad? Well...
things have been going well at work lately.
So, this summer, why don't we go on holiday...
abroad?
DEBBIE AND ANDY: # Diddly-diddly, dee-dee
# Diddly-diddly, dee-dee! #
"Abroad" means "not in this country".
I know!
These are our shocked faces.
Ole!
I believe Monte Carlo is heavenly this time of the year.
And they say you haven't lived
until you've sashayed in the Seychelles eating sushi on the seashore.
You took the words right out of my mouth, girlfriend!
Going anywhere nice for your summer holidays this year, Reba?
Slut. Who are you? Me hairdresser?
If only!
I'd certainly never let you wander round with that scarily retro do.
Glass houses, Debbie.
Where?
Anyway, don't you think I look a bit like Grace Jones?
With that walk? More like Vinnie Jones.
Kyle and I shan't be taking a vacation this year.
'Now, you might think it slightly odd
'that someone with a Manchester accent
'might be living in late-millennial Reading.
'But there's a reason for that.'
MUSIC: "Tragedy" by Bee Gees
'Once upon a time, Kylie did actually live in Manchester.
'He also lived in fear...
'of the man he had the misfortune to call his dad.'
No! Come on!
'Which is why, when he was sent to prison
'for thumping the bejesus out of them,
'a women's charity relocated Reba and Kylie to a safe house -
'somewhere where he wouldn't find them.
'Over the road to us.
'And it also explains why they didn't feel the need
'to go away en vacances.
'Life without Papa was one long holiday in itself.
'And it also explains why Reba,
'despite not completely endorsing her son's campness from time to time...'
Batty boy! Batty boy! Batty...bwoy!
HE MOUTHS
Your mum bought you that?
We're fostering her for the week.
Her owner's having a fistula plugged in Penge, so...
She's divine! What's her name?
BARKS Ow!
GROWLS QUIETLY
Madonna.
'Reba had always wanted an en suite toilet.
'And in Reading, so they say,
'dreams come true.'
Shit!
Oh, Andy, can you bob round and sort me out?
I'm gushing all over the place.
Let's get one thing straight, Reba.
You just... you keep your hands to yourself.
Oh, Andy! How many times?
Your Welsh accent does nothing for me.
This shouldn't take too long.
REBA SCREAMS, ANDY GROANS
That's what I call quick work.
Where's my plunger gone?
Somewhere very intimate.
Pull it out with your teeth.
Oh!
'It's true what they say.
'Hell hath no fury like a Reba scorned.
'And she was gonna make him pay for spurning her.
'I said "spurning".'
# ..You make me feel so good
# You are too bad, bad, bad... #
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Doonan Drainage, Debbie speaking. How can I help?
Oh. Can I move you to another date?
Hello? Hello?
Why does everyone keep cancelling?
Search me. But you know what this means.
Uh, due to your dad's work, or lack of it,
we're not gonna be able to afford that holiday abroad this year.
Oh, bollocks!
Let's face facts.
We're not gonna be able to afford any holiday this year.
Shit, guy! I've gone and told everyone at Intermediate Feng Shui!
And I've told everyone at tap class!
Simon, you don't do a tap class.
I do in my head! Duh!
Yeah, well, we all do, in our heads. Don't we?
Can't you get more shifts at work and shit?
I'm personia non grassy arse at the pub since the...
Well, let's just call it the flaming Sambuca and hair extension incident.
I'd go on the game, but who wants a pregnant prozzy?
Oh, Ashlene, that is so sweet of you.
If slightly weird.
You know, I think I might have a solution.
This ain't got nothing to do with your old job, has it, Hayls?
It'd just be one last drop, Debbie.
I'd be doing it for us. For our holiday.
For Fuengirola.
What job's this?
Never you mind, Ashlene.
'Back in the 1980s, being blind made Aunty Hayley
'the perfect accomplice for Dodgy Rog,
'one of Reading's finest drug dealers.'
# Notorious... #
'Now Hayley was renewing her criminal contacts
'to raise the cash to help us Carry On Abroad...'
IMITATING RUSSIAN ACCENT: Red Fox says take the clutch bag of dreams.
'..or not.'
Oi!
You just nicked her trolley. Come here.
I-I'm blind!
'Fortunately, Aunty Hayley looked like the sort of angelic creature
'who wouldn't say boo to a goose.'
Say boo to it! No.
Say boo to it! I refuse!
Boo the goose! Go on!
I don't like scaring wildfowl!
Boo!
Go on. No.
Please? I said no.
Just a quickie.
What am I, Andy? A piece of meat?
No.
Though, if you were, you'd be prime Kobe beef.
I beg your pardon?
It's like the most expensive meat you can find.
It's still meat, Andrew Doonan.
Ooh, she's got a cob on! She called me Andrew.
Be very grateful it wasn't something rhyming with "castard".
Or "shunt".
What's got into you? Not me.
Oh!
Are you completely stupid, Andy?
I am mortified, all right?
I've been swanking to anyone who'll listen about our foreign holiday.
Too much swanking makes you go blind.
Oh! Everyone down the shops.
Everyone in the cul-de-sac. I even told an 'omeless person yesterday.
Jeez, you really rubbed his nose in it, didn't you?
The desire was there, Andy -
the desire to tell people my good news.
Now it's been robbed from me,
like the wine I robbed from that homeless guy.
That's outrageous. And what have I got left?
A very cheap bottle of Thunderbird?
No! I drank most of it on the bus,
then gave the remnants to Pissy Pauline from number six.
I've been left with nothing, Andy.
Nada. Nunca. Niete. Vienetta.
I'm a shadow of my former self.
You don't have nothing.
You've sex on tap with me whenever you want it.
Like...now?
Oh, piss off, Andy!
Can you turn your light off? I'm trying to sleep.
I feel like Yootha Joyce in George And Mildred.
Well, your hair's big enough. Is it?
HAYLEY: Too right!
Even I can tell it's massive.
What are you doing in our bedroom?
My portable telly's on the blink.
So you're treating us as, what... a soap opera?
Hmm. I see you more like This Life, but without the lawyers.
Or the sharp one-liners, come to the think of it.
Or the sex. I'm turning out the light out now.
Won't make any difference to me!
Hayley, it's not right -
watching people sleep.
That's not TV.
Who on earth would want to watch that?
'This was, of course, before the advent of Big Brother Live.'
Look, I have a plan.
RINGS BELL House meeting!
We...are going on holiday.
You didn't do that drugs drop in Droitwich Street,
you drastically deranged dragoon?
No! As if.
I wouldn't! # Notorious... #
So, this holiday -
how are we gonna afford it?
We stay here.
Well, we tell everyone we're going abroad -
Fuengirola, Wankipor, wherever -
but really, we batten down the hatches,
we get in a couple of sunbeds,
and we make our own holiday right here.
No. No, we couldn't.
Couldn't we? I wouldn't know the difference.
Except I probably wouldn't get Spanish tummy.
You would if I made my beany fanjitas again.
Very true.
The neighbours'd twig. The van'd still be outside.
Tell them we're leaving it here,
getting a taxi to the airport in the dead of night.
They'd be none the wiser. What about Insomniac Sue at 22?
She's never away from them nets.
Slip a couple of Mogadon in her cocoa...again.
It's certainly one way of saving face with the neighbours.
Mm. The girls at work.
The homeless.
'And that is how La Famille Doonan
'came to have the holiday of a lifetime.'
What was that you asked me?
Where am I holidaying this year?
Fire Island. Should be a laugh.
I imagine there'll be disco-dancing contests every night,
and they will just, like, go mad for me.
A beach holiday's like ketamine.
You just can't beat it.
'Even Ashlene joined in the fun, though she got it slightly wrong.'
I can't wait to go to Lesbos. I'm gonna feel really at home there.
What?!
See you, Sue! Enjoy your cocoa!
Hiya, Debbie!
What on earth is that? Found it in a skip.
Who needs an 'oliday
when you've got the Eiffel Tower in your front garden?
Got the Statue of Liberty round the back.
Thought you were standing funny.
See you in two weeks.
'So, whilst on the outside it looked like we had gone away,
'inside we'd created our own private Idaho.
'Well, our own private Butlins anyway.'
# Dicka-dee-dee-doo Dicka-dicka-dee-doo
# Hi-dee, hi-dee-ho
# Dicka-dee-dee-doo Dicka-dicka-dee-doo
# Hi-dee, hi-dee-ho
# Hooray, hooray
# It's a holi-holiday
# Sing a summer song We skip along
# Holi-holiday. #
# I wear my sunglasses at night
# So I can, so I can
# Watch you weave and breathe your story lines. #
# I got my swim cap and comb and my paperback book
# That I'm almost through
# I got my lipstick and mirror and my suntan lotion
# And my camera too
# I got my beach bag full of all the necessary items
# For a day in the sun
# And, of course, it wouldn't be
# Like me if I didn't bring along
# Some sunglasses
# Ooh-ooh
# To hide behind. #
# If we took a holiday
# Took some time to celebrate
# Just one day out of life
# It would be
# It would be so nice. #
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
What you sat there for? Lazy arse!
Madonna's on her monthlies. Didn't want to mark the carpet.
You shouldn't be afraid of womanly functions, you big fat batty!
I'd rather be a batty than a twatty!
Argh!
SQUEALS: Get off!
And contestant number two in the Holiday Princess Beauty Pageant
is Hayley de Souza from Reading.
Miss de Souza, what is your motto in life?
"If it's got a pulse, it's got a chance"?
CLEARS HER THROAT
I just wanna help the less fortunate than myself and create world peace.
GIGGLES
Could you step away, please, contestant number two?
You've a tangy scent of Bo about you?
Bo? BO, darlin'.
Could you note that, please, chief judge?
She's a bit whiffy pit-wise.
Yeah, well, at least, Debs, it's just my pits and nothing further south.
Ooh! Bitch!
Ow! Ooh!
'While we were play fighting...'
Fanny-bone her! Go on! Smack her one, Debbie.
'..Kylie and his mum were doing it for real.'
You're more like a daughter than a son!
Going out, leaving me alone! I gave you that dog, didn't I?
I've got to go to work! I could get up to all sorts.
Run away. Take drugs. Set fire to meself.
You want lockin' up, weirdo!
I've got matches! Do it!
I want Madonna!
# ..We are the people of love. #
Brilliant!
That was Ashlene Doonan and People Of Love.
Well done, Ashlene.
The little girl with the big lungs, as her Uncle Curon used to say.
It wasn't "lungs".
And next up in the Camp Talent Contest is Simon Doonan from Reading
and he is going to lip-sync Bette Midler and The Rose.
Oh!
# Some say love
# It is a river... #
Oh, I loved this film. Oh, I know. I know.
I cried for days.
I almost toyed with alcoholism as a result, but...
Wasn't it based on the life of Janice Battersby?
No, the other one. Oh, Janice Long?
Joplin.
# ..It is a razor
# That leaves
# Your soul to bleed
# Some say love
# It is a hunger
# An endless aching need
# I say love
# It is a flower... # Silly bitch.
And contestant number three is Debbie Doonan from Reading.
All right, love. We know where I'm from.
She's gonna be doing an impression of...Shirley Bassey.
# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode
# He's Ebeneezer Goode
# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode
# He's Ebeneezer Goode... #
Industrial espionage at three o'clock.
# ..Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode... #
MUFFLED: # ..He's Ebenezer Goode
# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode
# He's Ebenezer Goode
# Has anybody got any veras? #
Simon Doonan from Reading will perform a special dance
he has devised to the theme music from Juliet Bravo.
MUSIC: "Theme to Juliet Bravo"
SCREAMS
So...
he's found out our little secret.
What are we gonna do?
Kill him.
Ashlene!
How do we know we can trust him?
He's my best friend. I'd trust him with my life!
Well...
I'd trust him with my CD collection.
Well, some of it.
Possibly not my One For Sorrow Remix by Steps,
cos it's actually signed by H?
It wasn't H. I forged it.
I just told you I'd bumped into him in Gateways for a laugh.
Bitch! I swear,
I won't tell a soul. Not if you let me join in.
You leave us with a conundrum, Kylie.
Stay here, and your mother will wonder where you are.
Yes.
She won't even notice I've gone.
I have a solution.
He comes each day as a day visitor
and returns to his mother at night.
A bit like boarding school, without the insistence on buggery.
But you breathe a word of this, Kylie, and...
Madonna gets it.
What were you doing when I arrived?
We were in the very final stages of the Camp Talent Contest.
MUSIC: "Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves" by Cher
# ..We'd hear it from the people of the town, they'd call us... #
Oh, I've always loved Lulu.
But I can never work out if she's a gypsy, tramp or thief.
Tramp.
# ..And lay their money down... #
You all right, lover? Yes.
He's jealous. Of what?
Kylie being better than you.
HE SCOFFS
He's got two left feet and a dicky solar plexus.
I must go.
There's a baby crying in Chalet 14.
# Gypsies, tramps and thieves
# We'd hear it from the people of the town, they'd call us... #
Cheebes.
Cheebes? Short for "Cheers, babes".
Cheebes!
SIGHS: This is the life.
Is it?
It feels so fabulous to be the all-out winner.
They only let you win, because they felt sorry for you,
because you're from a broken home,
and your mum's, like, a battered wife.
Put your green-eyed monster away, sweetie.
It's so not a good look.
HE SIGHS
It'll be champagne in the fast lane when we move to The Smoke.
Champagne and cocaine. I'm gonna get a huge problem.
Me too.
I'm just gonna be completely charlied off my mong box, like...constantly.
All the beautiful people are in rehab.
SIGHS: I can't wait.
I might even have completely inappropriate relationships
with my drugs counsellor.
I'm gonna have, like, a near-death experience
and write about it in my memoirs in a chapter called,
I Knew I Was Right - I Saw The Lights...In Tights.
I wish this WAS champagne.
Yes, but we're drinking it as if it was champagne.
I wish this really was Butlins.
But we're treating it as if it was Butlins.
I wish life was like this all the time.
Then we should live our lives as if it was.
'And it was in that moment I understood what "camp" was.
'Doing things "as if".'
What?
I'm going to open these curtains as if...
I was in a Hollywood movie.
Don't! People will look in and see we're actually here.
What?
Who's that?
My dad.
Dad?
(Where's your mam?) (I dunno.)
Phone her. Warn her.
KNOCKING
Where's the silly bitch? Oi!
Oh, Jesus.
It's going to answerphone.
Has your mum got a mobile?
No.
Hey, Reba, it's Andy.
Listen, your ex is next door - Kylie's dad.
Oi, you can't just go barging into my house!
Piss off!
And now he's heading to yours.
Go and stop him, Andy.
Oh, no, look. Leave this to me.
Nice house, Reba.
Argh...! GLASS SMASHES
GASPS: You OK, And?
Take a wild feckin' guess!
Oh, my God!
Oh, lover. All right?
I've gotta go and help her.
I'd better phone the police.
Kylie, what if he hits you?
This time, I'll hit him back.
REBA: We're having a good time here, and you come around
and balls everything up.
Queer arse! Don't call him that. He's a good lad.
He's my son, and I love him. Well, he's no son of mine.
What? With all the blokes you were shagging?!
Oh, will you listen to yourself? You were on the game, Reba.
Is it any wonder I have me doubts? No son of mine...
no son of mine is no bloody nancy boy.
Stop calling him that! Shut up!
I'm not scared of you now, you know?
Oh, shut up!
It's good to hit a woman.
Gives her vitamins.
SIMON OVER MEGAPHONE: This is the police.
Come outside with your hands above your head or else.
Have you phoned the pigs? No.
You've phoned the friggin' pigs! DOG SNARLS
CHOMP! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Jeez!
GROANS
PANTS
Look who it is. It's fucking queer arse.
All right, queer arse?
Argh!
SQUELCH
SIREN WAILS
'Reba had lost her husband.
'And now she made sure she didn't lose her son.'
He was on a suicide mission.
Said if he couldn't have me, his life weren't worth living.
Then he just...
chucked himself out the window.
Skewered himself on the Eiffel Tower.
DOORBELL RINGS
I just wanted to check you were OK.
Oh, I'm fine, yeah.
Do you wanna come in?
I know we don't always see eye to eye,
but it ain't right, what he did.
Kylie?
No, I was talking about Kylie's dad. Why? What did Kylie do?
Nothing. KYLIE SIGHS
What's up with you?
You called me Kylie.
And at times like these, us women should stick together.
I ain't no lezzo. Neither am I.
But you've got one living with you.
She's not a lesbian, she's an Asian.
I knew she was something weird.
Listen, if you ever fancy some company, or a drink, just...
Well, you know where we are.
Debbie?
I spread it round that Andy made a pass at me.
In the pantyhose region.
That's why all the women on the estate
started cancelling his plumbing work. I'm sorry.
Anything else you want to add to the list?
No.
Though I did say he was miniscule in the manhood department.
Anyway, listen, yeah, I'll put word about how it were all bollocks, yeah?
You do that, bitch-face.
Oh!
'Kylie's mourning lasted... an afternoon.
'His dad's death meant that, once again,
'his fabulosity could shine through.
'Life's too short to hide your light,
'which is why I'll always be
'a happy camper.'
MUSIC: "Venus" by Bananarama
# She's got it
# Yeah, baby, she's got it... #
So, "camp" means doing something "as if" you're doing it?
Yes, so, currently,
I am standing in the middle of a well-known department store,
that may or may not sell fridges,
as if...standing in the middle of a well-known department store
that may or may not sell fridges.
So, I am brushing the Obama dungaree
as if brushing the Obama dungaree.
Yes.
And I am fondling your package,
because I find you strangely delicious...
as if fondling your package,
because I find you strangely delicious.
That's not camp, that's gay.
Sometimes straight people are so wise.
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. #